Very much alive, believe it or not.
I have been busy with school and work. I am still studying biology and genetics at the University of Georgia, and I am currently in summer classes.
Having no roommates in town for the summer leads me here, to livejournal, updating everyone on my life.
John leaves for Paris the day after my birthday, Sept 8, and will be gone for 9 months. I hope I survive.
For now though, I am trying to survive a dislocated shoulder...
but never the less, I am very much alive :)
So, how do I make this clear to anyone that has never really researched and studied the brain?
Well..
The cerebral cortex, or the "gray matter" of your brain is the outer part of your brain. It controls the higher abstract functions such as language and judgement. Oddly enough, the cerebral cortex also has a lot of control over primitive matters of your brain, such as reflexes and emotions that are uncontrollable.
There is some damage, trauma damage thought to have happened sometime before all this anxiety set in, in my cerebral cortex and has affected the area of my brain that judges fear that has been recognized by another part of my brain, the diencephalon (sp?)
Well, basically, my brain is healthy enough to recognize fear, but the damage in my brain won't allow my brain to propperly regulate it.
My brain should recognize some fear, such as.. lets say, tripping on a side walk for example, and override the threat or fear and return my body back to normal function.
Unfortunately, my brain can't accurately weigh out fear, and something so little can have me stressing for days and weeks even.
Basically..
I don't deal with stress very well, and the best way to get ride of it is to stay on medicine that helps regulate the levels of it.
make sense? If not, sorry lol
not to mention..
"If the sun no longer could shine,
or if our love ran out of rhyme;
only you will hold my heart.
from now until the end of time."
let it be your voice
Let it be your vibration to be the last thing that my ear ever senses.
The one sound that can entertain my thoughts forever.
If I never saw another sight
let it be your smile
Let it be the one thing that can clear my mind of any clouds
your sunshine in my mind's eye
If I never taste anything again
Let it be your kiss
Let it be the sense of compassion and comfort that washes over me
from your candy sweet lips
If I never smell another scent again
Let it be your skin
Let it be the scent that lingers after you've left that reminds me of your figure
The smell that leaves you with me for longer than physically possible
If I never can touch anything again
Let it be your face
Let it be the contours and creases that allow me to see you without my eyes
the tingling in my fingertips and the shaking in my arms
But never let me lose my heart
Never let me lose my ability to love
For without my heart,
senses are useless...
Never let my heart fall
It is why I exist,
why I cry at night
why I smile when I think of you
and why I'll always wait for you
It's why I love you.
You've reached me heart,
past all my senses,
to the depths of my humanity..
Don't let go..
After reading this, I couldn't help but to focus on the 2nd half. I honestly never did focus on the 2nd half like I have now.
"But never let me lose my heart
Never let me lose my ability to love
For without my heart,
senses are useless... "
I really think he has lost his heart. He has lost what he is compassionate about, and is not the same John that I once loved.
"Never let my heart fall
It is why I exist,
why I cry at night
why I smile when I think of you
and why I'll always wait for you"
I guess the same goes for me, and I can only wait for him.
"It's why I love you.
You've reached me heart,
past all my senses,
to the depths of my humanity..
Don't let go.."
I cant let go, but what do I do? Wait for someone who has obviously let go of me? Or do I sit in this pain and realize that I never will have him back.
I decided last yesterday to completely walk away. It is not healthy for me, not fair, and not justified in any sense. He keeps saying "its me" but in reality, its a "new him."
What happened to the John that was strong enough to make it through anything, strong enough to not let go, and strong enough to fight for every bit of what our relationship meant. 3 and a half years, gone.
Im so numb, and I keep getting this horrible aching feeling in my stomach. I can't hold down food, and I can't call him.
In my eyes, he's dead now...
please someone, ANYONE, be here for me. I am so miserable and the pain is so unbearable. Im desparate for a good friend.
especially when its your best friend...
Im going to miss that boy :(
and tomorrow we will celebrate victory!
VS
Georgia has won its home opener 10 consecutive years.
The Bulldogs own an all-time Sanford Stadium record of
295-102-1 including 62-15-1 in home openers.
Georgia has the SEC’s best record during the last five seasons as well
as the last 10 seasons. The Bulldogs are 53-13 (.803) the last five
seasons and 96-30 (.762) during the last decade. Georgia is
the only SEC team to be ranked in the AP Top 25 ten straight seasons.
I know I have been dead in the LJ world, but I guess I just don't care anymore. To be honest, I am on the brink of a new life.
I am even closer to being a doctor. I am moving today to my own place. I am starting a new school.
And most importantly, I am excited about it all.
For once...
finally, for once, I can jump into something new with both feet.
No more only putting one foot into new changes.
I am going to love this new adventure...
I haven't posted, well, in forever. I am doing well.
I am starting my third year of biology/pre-med at the
University of Georgia, not Valdosta State University.
That's right! I am transferring, and I have never been
so excited about something new like this in a long time.
I am STILL with John; this makes 3 and a half years!
I am healthy, happy, and very busy.
My family is doing so well
I miss my room mate, Amber.
And John and I are happy :)
Oh.. I miss my Zeta Ladies :(
Just so you know..
I want his name next to mine
on my gravestone, but if possible,
I want mine to be first.
I love that boy to death..
My dad updated me on all of the news of people we know, friends, and family members. Without getting into much detail, I am almost afraid this will pull me back into the depressive state, even worse though, that I was in during the Spring.
Last night many dreams were crushed. The dream of my dad walking me down the isle some day might not be possible. Never have I ever considered who else would walk me down the isle in the future; is it going to have to be my grandfather? My uncle? Maybe even my mother instead?
My kids may not know their grandfather, just like I didn't know my dad's dad.
God, please just rescue me from this state. I am being so selfish! If it is your will God to take my father, please, please, please don't let me drift away.
Gosh I am so crushed
I saw him this past weekend, but I won't get to see him for another few weeks. I hate that school had to start; school has been great, so don't get me wrong, but after seeing John all summer, it is so hard to be four hours away from him. Soon, we will have our 2 1/2 year aniversary, and soon I will be celebrating my birthday; however, both of these days will be without John. I can't stand it.
I would just die to see John on my birthday, or close to it, but he can't come down here because it costs so much money for him to have a parking pass at GT.
:'( I just want to see him, and working front desk at one of the dorms here is killing me because I see all of these couples hanging out each night, but I don't get to see my special someone.
:(
<a href='http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Compa
I went on an amazing cruise before school started
I started School
I started a new job (which includes one shift that occurs on Wednesday mornings from Midnight-8 a.m.)
Moved into a new apartment.
And finally...
I am waiting on recruitment/rush to start for Zeta.
| [Aug. 10th, 2005|02:11 pm] | |
| I've really wanted to be back with Stacie in the last month, it's really hurting me to not be with her... but she says that I should go to school single to see if I will still feel the same way.. I know I will thouugh. There's no possible way that I would want to just give up with her.. I know I messed up and I dont even deserve this much of a chance.. but I swear if I find out any guy has made a move on her, I will be down at Valdosta as quick as I can and I will not be happy. We are still eachother's... we both know that... but Stacie doesn't want to get hurt again and I suppose she has to see if I'm sincere or just saying that I want to be with her. I love her. Plain and simple. I've loved her more and more each day since I met her.. my love never faded.. I was blinded and I nearly threw it all away, but it looks like we've got hope. Right now though it feels like that is all that I have to hang on to. I have to with her though, I'll go insane if I can't be with her... I already feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't see how she could say no forever.. hopefully she won't meet another guy that's better looking, smarter, and more passionate about her than I am. That last part is impossible. Any more passionate than me would be really creepy lol... I love her so much... I'd do anything for her, except give up. I won't ever stop fighting. I got myself into this shit and I'll get myself out. |
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well yesterday was a lot of fun...(if you want a full update read john's site)-i love spending time with him, and my family loves him too, its great! anyway, ive just gotta figure out what im gonna do for his bday, i want it to be something special. |
also..
so i heard this song the other day. and not all of this is what i feel, but the first 2 verses are....but still its only been 5 months, i dont wanna get hurt again, but subconsciously this is what im thinking abt.
First
Is that someone you used to date
Why she's hanging around here, what's her story
Doesn't she know that its too late
That the party is over and the cars full, hey
Why dont u tell her what's been going on
Cuz she seems to be dreaming instead of just leaving
If you don't have the heart to fill her in
Then just step aside and let me lay it on the line
Cuz your mine
And tonight you dont revolve around here
Your mine
And this time I'm gonna scream a little louder
Dont wanna be like
Every other girl in the world
Like every other one who wants you
Cuz when I see you something inside me burns
And then I realise I wanna come first
I wanna come first
You look at me and I just die
Its like heaven arriving in my mind
And I cant believe all this jealousy
I used to be a girl who could let a guy breathe
But your mine
And tonight you revolve around me
Your mine
And this time I'm gonna get a little louder
I wanna be like
Every other girl in the world
Like every other one who wants you
Cuz when I see you something inside me burns
And then I realize I wanna come first
Dont wanna be like every girl who's tried to get you
I wanna be the one who's never falling like she met you
I wanna come first
Hey!
I made a horrible horrible mistake. I read her posts that she made about my boyfriend, and now I feel sick.
One year ago this time, I was living in hell. This time this year, I'm packing my bags and going on a cruise.
I just need to get away. I shouldn't have read these..
*stupid stupid me!!*
1) Found out the worst news of my life.
2) My mom needs surgery, a $17,000 one.
3) My car is broken down and we can't afford to fix it right now.
...finally
The last thing I wanted to do was miss my best friend's wedding..
and I had to. No money, no car, no where to stay.
I just want to crawl up in a hole.
if you aren't touched after seeing that, I don't know what would make tears be jerked from your eyes.
<3
I wanted to share this with y'all.
http://www.prayforcandice.com/THE%20MIRA
Please remember her in your prayers. Thank you so much!
My sister just got back from South Africa after two months of being there for a mission trip. My family sat around the table and she showed us pictures on my laptop.
Wow.. we really have it great here; yet, we all think we live in hell.
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